When the Tangible and Intangible Collide

We’re moving again!

Yes that’s right. I believe that makes 11 moves since our wedding (if you count the moves into and out of a 10x10 shed in Haiti and two campers :) and possibly over 30 moves in my lifetime.  I remember hearing about one of my aunt and uncles frequent moves with house flipping as a kid, coupled with a sort of “that poor wife” sentiment. But honestly this has been fun and exciting continuation of my accustomed norm of moving frequently growing up. It certainly thwarts boredom. However, this is the first home in my life that I’m actually sad to leave. It’s not necessarily anything particularly grand about this house (Although I so enjoy the huge fenced in yard and relish my beautiful kitchen!). It may be that I have put a lot of work into the ground of this property. But mostly, I believe it’s the many life changes and emotional journeys that have happened in the 2 1/2 years that we lived here. I’ve heard that our amygdala attaches emotions with smells and locations. Well this one holds a lot for me. But that said, if we never let go of what good we think we have we’ll never know the incredible better that God has in store for us.
    So we’re moving into a rental home in the same town until Chadd is transferred out of town. Which we don’t know where or when will happen so there’s no point in asking.

Our family has been riding out the quarantine immensely easier since our snow melted and the kids can run outside barefoot. Homeschool is finally finished! Accolades galore to all you long term homeschool moms, including my mom! I appreciate how I benefited but it is a challenge to mothering on all new levels, with two younger siblings whining and pooping and pulling at your heels while the 1st grader moans over new principles. I would never claim my profession is for everyone and neither is homeschooling. I knew when Cyrus was a toddler that I would probably not endeavor to homeschool his firey spirit. We can’t even hit a badminton birdie back and forth without arguing over the rules let alone complete a math lesson every day.  I appreciate teachers!

 Chadd and I are grateful to still be working. My hours were reduced for a couple weeks with the transition to telehealth visits but are now back to full swing with a mix of in-office and telehealth appointments. Chadds work is going pretty well. I heard the phrase, “I’m enjoying my career” for the first time. It’s been a long time in coming. We've been trying to get out on a trail once a week as a family, which is refreshing for us all as Alaska awakens into summer.

In the last blog post I first mentioned the health struggles that I’ve been facing. Well, I finally have a diagnosis. Gastritis. It was actually found on an endoscopy I had in February. But as it was labeled “mild” and “chronic” I wasn’t fully convinced that this was the root cause of my gut issues. Well, last week I had such a severe episode of symptoms immediately after emotional distress that I can no longer try to self diagnose my way away from the direct effect of distress on my physical body. I now fully understand how my reaction to that first C-section triggered the cascade of effects which lead to my chronic health struggles. The birth of my son, whom I desperately prayed for, and declared and believed for the perfect birth that I had helped so many other couples experience, which then turned into an urgent drive to the hospital and physician cutting my body to pull my child out while I wasn’t even awake and my husband was forced to stay in another room. It destroyed me. It’s what the Stumvolls call a “crushing season.” I had naively idolized a natural birth as the measure success as a woman. And thus when it was stolen from me after doing “everything right,” my faith in prayer and my unabashed trust that if you work hard and live pure you will be rewarded, collapsed. It wedged a giant disconnect in my world between expectation and reality. This is dissonance. As I cried myself to sleep every night asking why this happened the cortisol and epinephrine undoubtedly seared my stomach lining until it could not digest or protect my body from pathogens. This progressed into SIBO, fungal overgrowth, chronic fatigue, and depression. What I know now is that with slight adjustments to that string of perspective that dissonance can turn into a beautiful deep note of truth in tension. The highs and lows. The joy with sorrow. And the faith with mystery.

And so, I'd like to share what I have learned from this 7 year struggle with gastritis, in case it helps ease even just one other person's suffering:

1. Humility. I can’t just push through all the time.
2. Empathy: because I can’t, I have compassion on other people when they can’t push through either
3. Living in Mystery: I can’t figure this out, I can’t explain it, I can’t fix it. And that’s ok.
4. Faith amidst unhealed struggles and unanswered prayer. Let go of anger and frustration at God and hold faith that He is good, that he has my best interest in mind, that his ways are better for me than my ways.
5. Moderation: Do not overfill my stomach, do not eat too much of one thing even if it’s healthy. Balance. If one item worked well but now it doesn’t just adapt and give it up and change again.
6. Fasting: depriving myself of food clears so much in my stomach issues and clarity of thought. I feel so much happier and closer to God and people. Just hungry. But hunger is better than depression and pain. 
7. Suffer without complaining: what I formerly called being honest and sharing my struggle and frustration and confusion with my stomach issues I don’t need to say out-loud every time.  I can just have a bad day with all the symptoms coming back again without bringing the entire mood of the room down.
8. Separating my struggles from parenting or marriage relationships: sharing with my kids or spouse when it’s not them, I’m just not feeling well. Apologize for snapping at them or having a mopey mood.
9. How to have a bad day: labeling it has “I’m just having a bad day.” Rather than sliding into loss of all hope again.
10. Realizing the source of my emotional pain: the phrase that I’ve said so many times is “it’s not fair!” I do "everything right". I eat healthier than almost everyone I know, and yet I’m the one with gut problems while they get off scotch free. “It’s not fair!” With intensive learning about relationships, personalities, triggers, traumas, and what forms our life views through podcasts, audio books, websites and the Stumvoll Living Fully Alive course I’ve learned that this and all that we experience on a daily basis is connected with MUCH more than it appears on the surface.
11. Self-validation: when all I want is to hear someone comforting me, I can validate and comfort myself, with words like, “Sabrina, this is so hard.” “You are doing a good job” “I see you trying so hard” “you’re not a failure” “it’s ok to be weak” “it’s ok to have a bad a day”
12. Step out of the victim mindset or wallowing in self-pity. Self compassion and self pity are different. A beloved friend shared with me, "it's ok to occasion into the hole of self-pity, just don't decorate your hole"
13. Food can no longer be my reward, consolation, comfort, sustenance or even delight. At moments this is surprisingly freeing. At other moments it just sucks. But it forces me to take the most honest look at where I turn to soothe even minor unease.

Now, I don't always succeed at these. In fact quite often on one of those "bad days" I crumple in a heap of misery. But, I thank God for this experience. It is what spurned me into Functional Medicine and helped me help so many other women. And I still believe and pray that it will change.

And I will enjoy my rice porridge tonight.



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In case anyone is interested, these are some of the incredible resources that have grown and stretched me over the past 2 years:

Books:

Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do when a parents love rules your life. By Jo Robinson

The Body Bears the Burden: Trauma, Dissociation, and Disease by Rober C Scaer
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker
How We Love by Milan Yerkovich, Kay Yerkovich 

Getting Past Your Past- Francine Shipir

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage by Kay Yerkovich and Milan Yerkovich

The Emotional Incest Syndrome- What to Do when a Parent's Love Rules Your Life By Patricia Love, Jo Robinson 

How to Have That Difficult Conversation, Gaining the Skills for Honest and Meaningful Communication By: Henry Cloud, John Townsend

Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud

Podcasts:
The Connected Life- by Justin and Abi Stumvoll
The Liberation Project- Justin Stumvolls old podcast with Blair Reynolds
The Art of Growth- oel Hubbard and Jim Zartman

Course:
Living Fully Alive- Justin and Abi Stumvoll

New Year Update 2020

I have a rare moment with silence in the home, two sleeping babes, and my work and housework caught up! Lets see how much I can get typed before a child awakes.


It has been a year since my last post- which goes to show how busy our life has been this year. Here is our year in review, missing many events and details...

One of the many face time calls with Daddy

The kids and I went to Sitka for Chadd's
graduation. Beautiful arctic rainforest.

Early in the year Chadd spent 4 1/2 months away from his wife and kids at the Academy in Sitka, AK. It was stressful and difficult right off the plane, with sergeants yelling orders and profanities at the novice recruits. I spent many a phone call after the kids were finally sleeping those four months listening to his stress and strain and doubts of what he got himself into. But, with MUCH perseverance, being sprayed with mace, tased, ice plunged, and the immense academic challenges, the kids and I got to attend his graduation ceremony and Cyrus pinned on his badge.

Cyrus, Darius and a friend on our new paddle board last summer

 He has since went through the 16 week more intensive field training when two of his fellow graduate recruits quit or were let go. We now have an Alaska law enforcement patrol car in our drive way and have at least some consistency in his schedule. Every day is still a challenge.  I would say it has been the most challenging year as a family with the absence of dad and husband, me single-momming it, his stress in entering a new career, and everything else with family life.

"Ada" with Addy

 I was very blessed to have my dear friend Katrina and her daughter stay with us for 2 months while Chadd was gone. She was an incredible help and companion in my husband's absence. We also had visits from "Ada" last spring and my sister Melissa and her girls this Christmas! My parents have also been a incredible help in Chadd's absence and every week. They live just down the road and watch our kids when I work. We're happy to have them in Alaska!

Dad, Cyrus, and Sasha (my adopted brother), processing our
salmon for the year's dipnetting catch. 

My mom, grandma, and Addy wearing a dress
my grandma made for me when I was a baby.

Hope and my kids last spring.

Ice fishing last year winter with Katrina and Hope

Darius is Hilarious... now 3, he is the goofy comedian of our clan. He's always up for silly jokes and a crazy dance. He's one of those you have to force to be serious for a moment so we can get shoes on or finish his food. He has had to go through competition with Addy for parental attention, and fights with his older brother over toys and dominance. But his humor is now winning out and his tender heartedness and ability to communicate without screaming is increasing. There's always something to laugh about with Darius in the room.

Cyrus is 7 now. He is maturing every month. Though not too much to be reckless or jealous or disobedient of course. Boy if there was anyone to test our parenting skills this is the guy. But the hard work, the millionth reminder, and the creative discipline, does eventually have fruit. And sometimes he can be the kindest-hearted boy around. He also got in to the Junior Native Youth Olympics this year for the first grade "Seal-hop." Apparently this is a pretty big deal around here. He will practice before school for 3 weeks and compete in the district the end of the month. If he makes it his team will go to state competition in Anchorage!

 Adeline- Addy- has grown in leaps and bounds. From a barely crawling baby to a running, jumping, jabber-talking toddler. She is the cutest thing in this house and oober-smooshes our hearts with adorable-ness every day, even with the messes and teething and diapers. I never thought I'd have a girl or be into dressing her up, but honestly, it's been so much fun.

Cyrus ran over 100 miles in the school
year last year. This year he is already around
170 miles since August!

Chadd and I got to go hunting last fall in a new location.
Needless to say we won't be going back there, swarms of mosquitoes,
impossibly thick brush, and no moose. Thankfully, Chadd
got our moose on a later hunt in our favorite mountain spot. 

We also got a kitty- the day I drove Chadd to the airport. Husky the cat was a consolation of saying goodbye to dad and though he has suffered a good deal of beloved child-torture he his a wonderful first pet for our family.

My work, Mat-Su Midwifery and Family Health, continues with many schedule adjustments which my employer so gratefully allows to aid in dropping and picking up Cyrus and being home as if I can when Chadd is off with repetitive schedule changes. My work has started doing group medical visits and Centering Pregnancy groups. I have started conducting group visits for prenatals and anxiety and will be adding one for PCOS and young girls coming of age as well. This is exciting and invigorating along with challenging. The major pull is between home and work with many times feeling like I don't have enough time or energy to do either well.

One of the main reasons all of this was more difficult has been my personal health challenges. I haven't made any public reflections of the struggles I've gone through over the last 7 years, mostly because of being a functional medicine practitioner with the natural perspective that if I can't cure myself what good can I be to help anyone else. Or for the fear of sounding like a weak complainer. But I have been reminded by God many times that my struggles are the very thing that qualify me to help others. Someone who has had perfect success in curing themselves inevitably then preaches this one method as best and only cure for everyone under the sun. And if it doesn’t work for someone they assume they’re not doing it right. But one cure is not right for every person, and some people suffer through numerous trials and failures. I have been able to empathize with countless clients in my office who shed tears relaying their suffering-- not just out of tender compassion but out of having oft experienced the very same struggles. I know their pain and I can speak their hope. I know what it's like to try treatment after treatment with unpredictable success. I am still on the journey myself with no diagnosis or cure but many life adjustments, many lonely moments of crying out to God for help, and many self-talks of hope that allow more "good" days to be marked on the calendar every month. Most people with chronic unidentified illness suffer alone. But no one should have to suffer alone. And that is why my clients thank me for being the first provider who actually hears them.

Well that is us! until next time, hopefully before 2021...

(Ok, so that actually took me 3 weeks from start to finish. Ah the life of a working mother...)